aint that the truth.

its weird. we can never truly let go of this thing. from time to time, i find myself looking at this blog and thinking to myself...i should so post right now. but then i'm like.... okay. what the fuck am i supposed to say.



i haven't really figured that out yet.



i'm just winging it.



and its like..i feel like i have so many things i could say. but its either i don't know how to say it, or don't know why i would.



moral of my story these days: i don't know what to do. thats it. i'm at this standstill of just confusion. i literally have no idea what to do with my life. obviously i'm gonna go for acting, thats just how its gotta go. i know at some point, me and renee are going to hollywood and going for it. because why wouldn't we? whats there to lose? after all of this. why would we just...forget about it? we cant. the want and need has turned into second nature. its engrained into us. this longing. and i wonder what it would be like to actually go for it and achieve it. how that would actually feel. that fulfillment. would that feeling last? i wanna say it would for sure. from my standpoint right now and where i am in life, i wanna say that if i accomplished my LIFE LONG DREAM, i don't see how that feeling would everrr go away. and i know myself. i know that i'm grateful for every damn thing that happens to me. i know i would not take it for granted. i don't think that i would ever fully adjust to it. or forget what my life was like before it. i've been living without it for so long...i could never forget this. i wanna work hard and have it pay off. i want all this to have meant something. because i know it does. but its whether or not we act on it. do something about it. it means something. i'm going to prove it does.

"shoot for the moon, and even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars."
i must remember this. while we are shooting for the moon, i need a plan incase i miss. but this is where i run into problems. i feel like i'm no where in the middle. i'm either too much of something, or too little of something else. in this case, there is SO many things that i want to do out there. i want to live hundreds of times, so i can take a different path each time and just experience it all. do it all. because thats what i want. but being in school...i need to know. i need to have a certain avenue. a plan. a career in mind. but. i cannot pick. for the life of me. and its just making me think. and wonder. i guess nothing is set in stone. i just have to remember that. i can do whatever i want. its my life.

but life is scary. but its exciting. theres a lot of things you go through that make you who you are. its just leaves me in awe sometimes. how the different experiences each person has been through has shaped them. and affected them. studying people. thats what i should do.

but idk...lol. then i think about cooking. ohh, how i wanna cook. me and renee are gonna be caterers(: when we're famous, we'll cater our famous friends weddings. it'll be grand.

so i have those 2 in mind. acting and catering. definitely going to take cooking classes. but then theres criminal justice. i love the law. it leaves me in awe too. that class goes the fastest for me.

i'd like to say i'm good with people. i love little kids. working wth kids would be cute. it'd be nice to establish relationships with people on a daily basis. teach them. change them.

i just don't know. i want to do it all. but i can't. and i'm accepting it. its just a slow process of realizing it, accepting it, moving on from it, deciding on something, and going for it...and sticking to it. not regretting it. living it. its just overwhelming to say the least.

and school isn't the only thing i have going either. school is actually not as important to me as i may have made it seem. i'm all about life. not school. i'm about life. and experiences. and family and friends. and being there for people. i'd rather miss a class and be there for someone, any day. fuck exams, everything.

and ya know what. i need to let something out.

exqisico. where the fuck did you go? and can you please come back? you don't read this anymore i don't think...which i still fail to understand, but its been a couple years already ya know...if you want to make an appearance, and explain yourself, we'd totally appreciate it. i think thats the first time i, or renee, have ever directly addressed you. but i am. right now. i'm asking you. exqisico. exqisico del amor. just come back please. we need to talk.

i'm definitely doing this more often. and i mean that.

peace,
regina.
<3

Anonymous said...

When is the asshole getting out of the nuthouse?

27 July, 2010 6:10 PM




....once again, i ask... are we talking about the same asshole here?

my confused mess.

average.
just that word makes me cringe. everything about that word repels me and makes me want to run away from it. i've always thought that i couldn't be average, that me and rina were unlike anyone else. i've always just assumed that we were special because we aren't like anyone else, it's just something that we've always thought. it wasn't like we were trying to say that we were better than everyone, just that we were different, special. we've always thought so, and now i'm questioning it.
what is it that makes someone above average? being good at something, just even one thing, that one thing that you can call yours. i don't have anything like that. there's nothing, no special talent or anything, that sets me apart from the rest.
i am terrified of being average. of being someone in the crowd who is just like every one else. i hate people. they are ignorant and materialistic and just plain stupid. i don't want to be like them. i don't want anything about me to be average. i've always liked being short-it's not like everyone else. i can't say that i liked being above average in the weight department as a kid, but hey, it set me apart right? idfk if i'm average in that area now or what, but that's besides the point. i'm not sure why every fiber of my being doesn't want to be average. i guess it's just the way i was put together. all i know is that i can't stand that thought. i've always thought that i was different, and it must sound crazy, but being told that maybe i am average....it's definately eating away at me.

the worst part of it all. this reminds me of..the old days. when i think about my fear of being average, there is only one person who i want to hear from. only one person who i think i would believe in this situation...the one person who helped me out and gave me advice on this very same problem..God, i don't even know how long ago that was. i was told that average people didn't have this problem. and that for stars, shining in the dark is what they do. me and rina being the stars. our lives the darkness surrounding us. he is the one person who i need to tell me, that i'm worrying about nothing. i need him to be here now and tell me that we weren't the reason that he left. that we are different and special.

maybe the root of the problem here is loneliness. i couldn't even tell you. i need someone to believe in me, in us. i need someone to tell me what to expect and not to be afraid of it. i need something. i need someone. there are so many things that i want, things that i have no idea how to go about getting.

this post was insane. it was snippets of my thoughts, all jumbled up, probably in a confused mess. i'm caught inside this insane moment, one that is never ending, one that i'm unsure of how to escape. i can block it out when i'm distracted, but when left to think, my thoughts fester inside of me. i'm not sure what to do with them. how to communicate them.

this is one of those moments where i wish that one person read our blog. not just any person though. him. these moments don't come along often, because i hate seeming pathetic. but, just this once, i wish he could see the mess he left behind.
Renee.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

i'm pretty sure i speak for both of us when i say that i have never been more confused in my entire life. ever. i would also like to point out that we should be secret agents. because honestly, we rock. one last thing: we will figure this out. we will. no matter how long it takes, this mystery will haunt us. you can erase the blogs, but the memories remain. the more time that passes, the easier it becomes to win. i'm sure that if anyone were to read this (well, come on, no one does anyway) they'd be so confused. but hell, what do i care anymore? it's so damn hot, i must go swim. peace. Renee

ok wow. i haven't done this in awhile. (i think the last time i posted by myself, i said the same thing. lol.) but really, i seriously haven't done this in awhile!! well to start off.... i wanna talk about our acting real quick. (shocker???) well, recently, we went through a really hard period where we honestly believed that this may never happen. it really seemed.... well, IMPOSSIBLE. i mean, we really explored a lot of our options and what we really truly want out of life, and... things were not looking up, to say the least. we have been lacking support from other people than ourselves. its been hard. but, we've made it this far. i'm sure we can keep going and be just fine. it'd still be nice though. but just last night, at around 2 in the morning, we had a really good talk... and i think we may have a better handle on things now. i think we got this. (: so, today, one of my good friends got a hold of me to tell me that shes engaged. AHH!! i can't believe it. shes always been a little wild... and guess what?! shes known the guy for 3 weeks. but hey, i'm not one to judge. i'm not in her relationship. i don't know how both of them honestly feel about each other. if she really believes he's the one... then by all means go for it! its just... crazy. 3 weeks. by the third day she had already given him a hand job. ok, i know they say that your friends reflect on who you are... and they do. she never used to be like this. we used to be thick as theives. but then we stopped talking for about 2 years... and now. this is who she is. lol. but when its just me and her, shes her old self. she just... sometimes does dumb things. but i guess i'm gonna be in the wedding?! (dear lord) on a completely lighter note, i have recently diagnosed myself with circulation problems. EVERY night, i will wake up MULTIPLE times and find MULTIPLE body parts asleep. its starting to become BEYOND annoying. i mean, this is every freaking night!!! i will wake up and have to wake up my hands or my feet or my back, or any combination of those. i mean, is that a good thing? to have your body parts fall asleep so much? and its while i'm asleep, so i have no idea how long they've been asleep for. i don't think thats a good sign. lol. and guess what?! last night my LIP fell asleep. i mean... MY DAMN LIP. my bottom lip. i woke up and i couldn't feel my lip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm pretty sure thats not supposed to happen. lol. ok, thats all for now folks. (: xoxo Regina! ps. miss you. : /

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE.
the movie.



OH.
MY.
LORD.

i hate making titles

haha i love how we changed the background back. i guess we can never let go of the past. oh well, time goes on, ready or not.

omg. guess what me and rina freaking did. we dyed our hair. BLACK. omg. i mean this is just like...BAM. i mean if you had asked me a week ago if i was going to dye my hair, i would've been like um, hellllll no. but, here i am. haha. the problem is that we used the demi-permanant crap, so that means that it like washes out in the shower. soooo we're like petrified to take a freaking shower!! we have problems. like intense, completely insane, problems. :)

so, recently we've been getting close with our aunt. and she's completely successful and rich and all that stuff. and we've been helping her get some things done for money, and with the promise that she's going to come on trips with us to places all over the country, and eventually, the world. she has a million and four pictures from her life, and we were sorting them for her, and she was telling us all about her life. then we come to find that she was an AWESOME chick. i mean she was a partier and she married right out of high school and accidently got pregnant, and then of course her and her husband broke up before the kid was even a year and so she had to support her kid and she went to college and eventually married our uncle (who she completely adores) and she's totally successful. like i never would have expected that from her, it's amazing. she said she had so much fun, and she wants us to experience life and everything as well. she wants us to be more outgoing and to just have fun! i really look forward to spending more time with her cause she really is like becoming a sort of mentor to us and it's really awesome!

we might be posting some pictures of our most recent venture to the country. we went to the same places as last time (though without climbing the tree because it was just FREEZING). and it's incredible how that place can seem to change so much, and yet, it will always be there.
till next time-
Ray