all i need right now is some inspiration. i've realized that inspiration keeps me going. and that i've been lacking it lately. all i can do is dig deep into music. some artists just know how to say things. and they can say them because they know. not because the music was written for them and because they think 'maybe by saying this, this song will be a hit!' they say it because they feel it. and when the singer feels it, and sings it, you can feel it.
i wish i could sing. i wish i played an instrument. i could dive into music so much more than i do now. maybe i could start again.
i love when you hear a song, and they'll say a lyric that makes you tilt your head. ones that make you mull the sentence over again and smile and go 'omg yeah! thats cool!' ive found an artist recently that makes me do that. that makes me think i CAN do things. when people look at me and my dreams and give me that look like they've already seen me fail, this artist just makes me feel like they cant stop me. those people cant stop me and they WONT stop me.
i wanna paint. i just want to see colors and let them say what i'm feeling. i want to have something happen that gives me inspiration to never hold anything back ever again. i've been slowly progressing to that stage. i just need something to happen that opens my eyes. that smacks me in the face. that gives me even more fight than i have now.
i've reached this undeniable cross roads. for awhile there, i was just cruisin. letting things happen because i didnt know where to go next and i knew things were changing, so i was just going to go along with them. and its weird because...now i see things changing. i'm aware of their change as they are changing. and i want them to change, and i'm letting them. but now...i want to fuel them. i want to add some change of my own. instead of just letting my life take a course and going for the ride, i've started wanting to take an active part in it all. i want control now.
i dont know. theres just so much on my mind. as usual, but idk. its different. its hard. i dont know what to do.
peace&love.
regina.
<3
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
aint that the truth.
its weird. we can never truly let go of this thing. from time to time, i find myself looking at this blog and thinking to myself...i should so post right now. but then i'm like.... okay. what the fuck am i supposed to say.
i haven't really figured that out yet.
i'm just winging it.
and its like..i feel like i have so many things i could say. but its either i don't know how to say it, or don't know why i would.
moral of my story these days: i don't know what to do. thats it. i'm at this standstill of just confusion. i literally have no idea what to do with my life. obviously i'm gonna go for acting, thats just how its gotta go. i know at some point, me and renee are going to hollywood and going for it. because why wouldn't we? whats there to lose? after all of this. why would we just...forget about it? we cant. the want and need has turned into second nature. its engrained into us. this longing. and i wonder what it would be like to actually go for it and achieve it. how that would actually feel. that fulfillment. would that feeling last? i wanna say it would for sure. from my standpoint right now and where i am in life, i wanna say that if i accomplished my LIFE LONG DREAM, i don't see how that feeling would everrr go away. and i know myself. i know that i'm grateful for every damn thing that happens to me. i know i would not take it for granted. i don't think that i would ever fully adjust to it. or forget what my life was like before it. i've been living without it for so long...i could never forget this. i wanna work hard and have it pay off. i want all this to have meant something. because i know it does. but its whether or not we act on it. do something about it. it means something. i'm going to prove it does.
"shoot for the moon, and even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars."
i must remember this. while we are shooting for the moon, i need a plan incase i miss. but this is where i run into problems. i feel like i'm no where in the middle. i'm either too much of something, or too little of something else. in this case, there is SO many things that i want to do out there. i want to live hundreds of times, so i can take a different path each time and just experience it all. do it all. because thats what i want. but being in school...i need to know. i need to have a certain avenue. a plan. a career in mind. but. i cannot pick. for the life of me. and its just making me think. and wonder. i guess nothing is set in stone. i just have to remember that. i can do whatever i want. its my life.
but life is scary. but its exciting. theres a lot of things you go through that make you who you are. its just leaves me in awe sometimes. how the different experiences each person has been through has shaped them. and affected them. studying people. thats what i should do.
but idk...lol. then i think about cooking. ohh, how i wanna cook. me and renee are gonna be caterers(: when we're famous, we'll cater our famous friends weddings. it'll be grand.
so i have those 2 in mind. acting and catering. definitely going to take cooking classes. but then theres criminal justice. i love the law. it leaves me in awe too. that class goes the fastest for me.
i'd like to say i'm good with people. i love little kids. working wth kids would be cute. it'd be nice to establish relationships with people on a daily basis. teach them. change them.
i just don't know. i want to do it all. but i can't. and i'm accepting it. its just a slow process of realizing it, accepting it, moving on from it, deciding on something, and going for it...and sticking to it. not regretting it. living it. its just overwhelming to say the least.
and school isn't the only thing i have going either. school is actually not as important to me as i may have made it seem. i'm all about life. not school. i'm about life. and experiences. and family and friends. and being there for people. i'd rather miss a class and be there for someone, any day. fuck exams, everything.
and ya know what. i need to let something out.
exqisico. where the fuck did you go? and can you please come back? you don't read this anymore i don't think...which i still fail to understand, but its been a couple years already ya know...if you want to make an appearance, and explain yourself, we'd totally appreciate it. i think thats the first time i, or renee, have ever directly addressed you. but i am. right now. i'm asking you. exqisico. exqisico del amor. just come back please. we need to talk.
i'm definitely doing this more often. and i mean that.
peace,
regina.
<3
i haven't really figured that out yet.
i'm just winging it.
and its like..i feel like i have so many things i could say. but its either i don't know how to say it, or don't know why i would.
moral of my story these days: i don't know what to do. thats it. i'm at this standstill of just confusion. i literally have no idea what to do with my life. obviously i'm gonna go for acting, thats just how its gotta go. i know at some point, me and renee are going to hollywood and going for it. because why wouldn't we? whats there to lose? after all of this. why would we just...forget about it? we cant. the want and need has turned into second nature. its engrained into us. this longing. and i wonder what it would be like to actually go for it and achieve it. how that would actually feel. that fulfillment. would that feeling last? i wanna say it would for sure. from my standpoint right now and where i am in life, i wanna say that if i accomplished my LIFE LONG DREAM, i don't see how that feeling would everrr go away. and i know myself. i know that i'm grateful for every damn thing that happens to me. i know i would not take it for granted. i don't think that i would ever fully adjust to it. or forget what my life was like before it. i've been living without it for so long...i could never forget this. i wanna work hard and have it pay off. i want all this to have meant something. because i know it does. but its whether or not we act on it. do something about it. it means something. i'm going to prove it does.
"shoot for the moon, and even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars."
i must remember this. while we are shooting for the moon, i need a plan incase i miss. but this is where i run into problems. i feel like i'm no where in the middle. i'm either too much of something, or too little of something else. in this case, there is SO many things that i want to do out there. i want to live hundreds of times, so i can take a different path each time and just experience it all. do it all. because thats what i want. but being in school...i need to know. i need to have a certain avenue. a plan. a career in mind. but. i cannot pick. for the life of me. and its just making me think. and wonder. i guess nothing is set in stone. i just have to remember that. i can do whatever i want. its my life.
but life is scary. but its exciting. theres a lot of things you go through that make you who you are. its just leaves me in awe sometimes. how the different experiences each person has been through has shaped them. and affected them. studying people. thats what i should do.
but idk...lol. then i think about cooking. ohh, how i wanna cook. me and renee are gonna be caterers(: when we're famous, we'll cater our famous friends weddings. it'll be grand.
so i have those 2 in mind. acting and catering. definitely going to take cooking classes. but then theres criminal justice. i love the law. it leaves me in awe too. that class goes the fastest for me.
i'd like to say i'm good with people. i love little kids. working wth kids would be cute. it'd be nice to establish relationships with people on a daily basis. teach them. change them.
i just don't know. i want to do it all. but i can't. and i'm accepting it. its just a slow process of realizing it, accepting it, moving on from it, deciding on something, and going for it...and sticking to it. not regretting it. living it. its just overwhelming to say the least.
and school isn't the only thing i have going either. school is actually not as important to me as i may have made it seem. i'm all about life. not school. i'm about life. and experiences. and family and friends. and being there for people. i'd rather miss a class and be there for someone, any day. fuck exams, everything.
and ya know what. i need to let something out.
exqisico. where the fuck did you go? and can you please come back? you don't read this anymore i don't think...which i still fail to understand, but its been a couple years already ya know...if you want to make an appearance, and explain yourself, we'd totally appreciate it. i think thats the first time i, or renee, have ever directly addressed you. but i am. right now. i'm asking you. exqisico. exqisico del amor. just come back please. we need to talk.
i'm definitely doing this more often. and i mean that.
peace,
regina.
<3
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
my confused mess.
average.
just that word makes me cringe. everything about that word repels me and makes me want to run away from it. i've always thought that i couldn't be average, that me and rina were unlike anyone else. i've always just assumed that we were special because we aren't like anyone else, it's just something that we've always thought. it wasn't like we were trying to say that we were better than everyone, just that we were different, special. we've always thought so, and now i'm questioning it.
what is it that makes someone above average? being good at something, just even one thing, that one thing that you can call yours. i don't have anything like that. there's nothing, no special talent or anything, that sets me apart from the rest.
i am terrified of being average. of being someone in the crowd who is just like every one else. i hate people. they are ignorant and materialistic and just plain stupid. i don't want to be like them. i don't want anything about me to be average. i've always liked being short-it's not like everyone else. i can't say that i liked being above average in the weight department as a kid, but hey, it set me apart right? idfk if i'm average in that area now or what, but that's besides the point. i'm not sure why every fiber of my being doesn't want to be average. i guess it's just the way i was put together. all i know is that i can't stand that thought. i've always thought that i was different, and it must sound crazy, but being told that maybe i am average....it's definately eating away at me.
the worst part of it all. this reminds me of..the old days. when i think about my fear of being average, there is only one person who i want to hear from. only one person who i think i would believe in this situation...the one person who helped me out and gave me advice on this very same problem..God, i don't even know how long ago that was. i was told that average people didn't have this problem. and that for stars, shining in the dark is what they do. me and rina being the stars. our lives the darkness surrounding us. he is the one person who i need to tell me, that i'm worrying about nothing. i need him to be here now and tell me that we weren't the reason that he left. that we are different and special.
maybe the root of the problem here is loneliness. i couldn't even tell you. i need someone to believe in me, in us. i need someone to tell me what to expect and not to be afraid of it. i need something. i need someone. there are so many things that i want, things that i have no idea how to go about getting.
this post was insane. it was snippets of my thoughts, all jumbled up, probably in a confused mess. i'm caught inside this insane moment, one that is never ending, one that i'm unsure of how to escape. i can block it out when i'm distracted, but when left to think, my thoughts fester inside of me. i'm not sure what to do with them. how to communicate them.
this is one of those moments where i wish that one person read our blog. not just any person though. him. these moments don't come along often, because i hate seeming pathetic. but, just this once, i wish he could see the mess he left behind.
Renee.
just that word makes me cringe. everything about that word repels me and makes me want to run away from it. i've always thought that i couldn't be average, that me and rina were unlike anyone else. i've always just assumed that we were special because we aren't like anyone else, it's just something that we've always thought. it wasn't like we were trying to say that we were better than everyone, just that we were different, special. we've always thought so, and now i'm questioning it.
what is it that makes someone above average? being good at something, just even one thing, that one thing that you can call yours. i don't have anything like that. there's nothing, no special talent or anything, that sets me apart from the rest.
i am terrified of being average. of being someone in the crowd who is just like every one else. i hate people. they are ignorant and materialistic and just plain stupid. i don't want to be like them. i don't want anything about me to be average. i've always liked being short-it's not like everyone else. i can't say that i liked being above average in the weight department as a kid, but hey, it set me apart right? idfk if i'm average in that area now or what, but that's besides the point. i'm not sure why every fiber of my being doesn't want to be average. i guess it's just the way i was put together. all i know is that i can't stand that thought. i've always thought that i was different, and it must sound crazy, but being told that maybe i am average....it's definately eating away at me.
the worst part of it all. this reminds me of..the old days. when i think about my fear of being average, there is only one person who i want to hear from. only one person who i think i would believe in this situation...the one person who helped me out and gave me advice on this very same problem..God, i don't even know how long ago that was. i was told that average people didn't have this problem. and that for stars, shining in the dark is what they do. me and rina being the stars. our lives the darkness surrounding us. he is the one person who i need to tell me, that i'm worrying about nothing. i need him to be here now and tell me that we weren't the reason that he left. that we are different and special.
maybe the root of the problem here is loneliness. i couldn't even tell you. i need someone to believe in me, in us. i need someone to tell me what to expect and not to be afraid of it. i need something. i need someone. there are so many things that i want, things that i have no idea how to go about getting.
this post was insane. it was snippets of my thoughts, all jumbled up, probably in a confused mess. i'm caught inside this insane moment, one that is never ending, one that i'm unsure of how to escape. i can block it out when i'm distracted, but when left to think, my thoughts fester inside of me. i'm not sure what to do with them. how to communicate them.
this is one of those moments where i wish that one person read our blog. not just any person though. him. these moments don't come along often, because i hate seeming pathetic. but, just this once, i wish he could see the mess he left behind.
Renee.
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