Sunday, October 31, 2010

aint that the truth.

its weird. we can never truly let go of this thing. from time to time, i find myself looking at this blog and thinking to myself...i should so post right now. but then i'm like.... okay. what the fuck am i supposed to say.

i haven't really figured that out yet.

i'm just winging it.

and its like..i feel like i have so many things i could say. but its either i don't know how to say it, or don't know why i would.

moral of my story these days: i don't know what to do. thats it. i'm at this standstill of just confusion. i literally have no idea what to do with my life. obviously i'm gonna go for acting, thats just how its gotta go. i know at some point, me and renee are going to hollywood and going for it. because why wouldn't we? whats there to lose? after all of this. why would we just...forget about it? we cant. the want and need has turned into second nature. its engrained into us. this longing. and i wonder what it would be like to actually go for it and achieve it. how that would actually feel. that fulfillment. would that feeling last? i wanna say it would for sure. from my standpoint right now and where i am in life, i wanna say that if i accomplished my LIFE LONG DREAM, i don't see how that feeling would everrr go away. and i know myself. i know that i'm grateful for every damn thing that happens to me. i know i would not take it for granted. i don't think that i would ever fully adjust to it. or forget what my life was like before it. i've been living without it for so long...i could never forget this. i wanna work hard and have it pay off. i want all this to have meant something. because i know it does. but its whether or not we act on it. do something about it. it means something. i'm going to prove it does.

"shoot for the moon, and even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars."
i must remember this. while we are shooting for the moon, i need a plan incase i miss. but this is where i run into problems. i feel like i'm no where in the middle. i'm either too much of something, or too little of something else. in this case, there is SO many things that i want to do out there. i want to live hundreds of times, so i can take a different path each time and just experience it all. do it all. because thats what i want. but being in school...i need to know. i need to have a certain avenue. a plan. a career in mind. but. i cannot pick. for the life of me. and its just making me think. and wonder. i guess nothing is set in stone. i just have to remember that. i can do whatever i want. its my life.

but life is scary. but its exciting. theres a lot of things you go through that make you who you are. its just leaves me in awe sometimes. how the different experiences each person has been through has shaped them. and affected them. studying people. thats what i should do.

but then i think about cooking. ohh, how i wanna cook. me and renee are gonna be caterers(: when we're famous, we'll cater our famous friends weddings. it'll be grand.

so i have those 2 in mind. acting and catering. definitely going to take cooking classes. but then theres criminal justice. i love the law. it leaves me in awe too. that class goes the fastest for me.

i'd like to say i'm good with people. i love little kids. working wth kids would be cute. it'd be nice to establish relationships with people on a daily basis. teach them. change them.

i just don't know. i want to do it all. but i can't. and i'm accepting it. its just a slow process of realizing it, accepting it, moving on from it, deciding on something, and going for it...and sticking to it. not regretting it. living it. its just overwhelming to say the least.

and school isn't the only thing i have going either. school is actually not as important to me as i may have made it seem. i'm all about life. not school. i'm about life. and experiences. and family and friends. and being there for people. i'd rather miss a class and be there for someone, any day. fuck exams, everything.

and ya know what. i need to let something out.

exqisico. where the fuck did you go? and can you please come back? you don't read this anymore i don't think...which i still fail to understand, but its been a couple years already ya know...if you want to make an appearance, and explain yourself, we'd totally appreciate it. i think thats the first time i, or renee, have ever directly addressed you. but i am. right now. i'm asking you. exqisico. exqisico del amor. just come back please. we need to talk.

i'm definitely doing this more often. and i mean that.


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