my confused mess.

average.
just that word makes me cringe. everything about that word repels me and makes me want to run away from it. i've always thought that i couldn't be average, that me and rina were unlike anyone else. i've always just assumed that we were special because we aren't like anyone else, it's just something that we've always thought. it wasn't like we were trying to say that we were better than everyone, just that we were different, special. we've always thought so, and now i'm questioning it.
what is it that makes someone above average? being good at something, just even one thing, that one thing that you can call yours. i don't have anything like that. there's nothing, no special talent or anything, that sets me apart from the rest.
i am terrified of being average. of being someone in the crowd who is just like every one else. i hate people. they are ignorant and materialistic and just plain stupid. i don't want to be like them. i don't want anything about me to be average. i've always liked being short-it's not like everyone else. i can't say that i liked being above average in the weight department as a kid, but hey, it set me apart right? idfk if i'm average in that area now or what, but that's besides the point. i'm not sure why every fiber of my being doesn't want to be average. i guess it's just the way i was put together. all i know is that i can't stand that thought. i've always thought that i was different, and it must sound crazy, but being told that maybe i am average....it's definately eating away at me.

the worst part of it all. this reminds me of..the old days. when i think about my fear of being average, there is only one person who i want to hear from. only one person who i think i would believe in this situation...the one person who helped me out and gave me advice on this very same problem..God, i don't even know how long ago that was. i was told that average people didn't have this problem. and that for stars, shining in the dark is what they do. me and rina being the stars. our lives the darkness surrounding us. he is the one person who i need to tell me, that i'm worrying about nothing. i need him to be here now and tell me that we weren't the reason that he left. that we are different and special.

maybe the root of the problem here is loneliness. i couldn't even tell you. i need someone to believe in me, in us. i need someone to tell me what to expect and not to be afraid of it. i need something. i need someone. there are so many things that i want, things that i have no idea how to go about getting.

this post was insane. it was snippets of my thoughts, all jumbled up, probably in a confused mess. i'm caught inside this insane moment, one that is never ending, one that i'm unsure of how to escape. i can block it out when i'm distracted, but when left to think, my thoughts fester inside of me. i'm not sure what to do with them. how to communicate them.

this is one of those moments where i wish that one person read our blog. not just any person though. him. these moments don't come along often, because i hate seeming pathetic. but, just this once, i wish he could see the mess he left behind.
Renee.