Searching for clarity

I'm not someone who needs a guy to make me happy.  

Throughout the last few years I have learned a lot about what it means to be happy, and how to make myself happy, and interestingly enough, I have had my most happy moments when I was not in a relationship. Struggling with depression has been a huge part of my life, which means that finding happiness is essentially my life's goal.  I don't want to be happy due to medication, I want to be able to look at this wonderful world around me and be happy because of it.  I have a wonderful life, but for some reason, my brain sometimes won't let me acknowledge that.  Thinking about all of the things that I assume will make me happy, and I realized that a relationship is pretty high on that list.  Which seems odd because, as I said before, I have actually been happier when I've been single.  This revelation has made me feel like I need to delve further into my brain to try and understand why all of this is, and what it all means.

I'm someone who has always been a romantic.  Ever since I was a little girl, I loved romance; romantic movies, love songs, romantic books, you name it, I probably loved it.  I can even remember having little crushes on boys when I was pretty young too.  While a lot of girls thought that boys I had cooties, I was already picturing myself falling in love with one of them.  While other kids knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, I never exactly could pinpoint it, but I knew that I was going to have a husband and be a mother.  Literally the only things that I am still set on in life. So coming to the conclusion that I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy is a bigger step for me than most would think.  Even now, with the "real world" rapidly approaching, I am still uncertain of what I want to do with my life, but am certain that I want that family.  I suppose that most people are certain that they want that, but for me...I feel like that's my purpose in life.  So in my mind the job almost seems to be not as important, because I know that nothing will be as fulfilling for me as that family atmosphere.  Once anyone gets to know me, they will soon discover that I feel like I'm meant to do a number of things, but I honestly cannot describe this feeling that I get, so in my head it truly means that it's something I'm meant to do.

I'm a worrier.  I'm a nervous nellie, I'm anxious, and I find myself to be extremely awkward.  I do not think that people would describe me as an awkward person because I'm pretty good at playing it off, but the awkwardness I feel is pretty intense.  Due to all of this, being in a relationship is a pretty crazy thing for me.  Add on top of all of this that I'm pretty insecure and you come up with a crazy girlfriend that is paranoid and needs constant reassurance of the other's feelings.  (The thing is though...I don't think that the girlfriend, or either one involved in the relationship for that matter, should be asking for the reassurance.  I think that both people should be always showing the other that they care, and never letting them doubt their feelings for one second.  The reason that I'm going on this semi-tangent is because I think I go for guys who aren't comfortable with showing their feelings.  Or they just don't think it's necessary or something.  Which does not work well with my personality.  I need a guy that will be there.  That will tell me how much he cares and all of that nonsense that goes along with being in a relationship.)  So basically what I'm saying is, that relationships are extremely stressful for me, especially because I tend to pick guys that aren't open so I am constantly guessing as to what they are thinking and feeling.  All of this stress usually leads to unhappiness, because I definitely don't feel that happy when I'm stressed, and I'm not really sure if there is anyone out there who does.

I'm beginning to understand what I want out of a relationship.  More importantly I'm beginning to understand what I need out of a relationship.  I'm learning from the past, I'm learning from my current situation, but above all I'm learning from some internal reflection.  Internal reflection is usually not a pleasant occurrence.  You can't hide from yourself.  You need to look at all of the good, but you also need to see the bad.  You need to be brutally honest.  It hurts really bad sometimes.  Sometimes you have to cry.  But almost always you come out the other side with such a different perspective on absolutely everything that it makes all of that worth it.  Every time you become a little bit stronger.   The more that you know and understand yourself, the happier you will be.  You'll be happier because you'll know what makes you happy.  You'll know what has hurt you and made you crumble and you will grow from it.  You will learn to protect yourself and you will learn to move forward.  The most important thing is you will learn.  You can never stop learning about yourself.  So many things are constantly changing, and knowing yourself is beyond important in this chaotic world.  Hopefully by knowing myself I will be able to find that someone that I have spent my whole life looking for.  That person is so much different now than who I thought it would be when I was younger.  That's good.  I want that love story, but right now, at this young age, I know that I do not need a man to make me happy.  Even when I do find that someone, I don't want to simply disappear into their personality.  Which is why this time in my life is so crucial.  This is why I'm reflecting.  I do not want to be that woman who cannot stand tall without her man by her side.  I want to find my soul mate, the person I'm meant to be with, not someone who will overpower me, but someone who will compliment me, not make me crazy with stress and paranoia.

I'm happiest when I'm with my family, when I'm with the people who I know love me unconditionally.  I'm happiest when it's sunny and warm, when I can feel the sun on my skin.  I'm happiest when I know that God loves me no matter what, when I remember that He created me to be the way that I am, and that He makes no mistakes.  The simplest things make me happy.  What I want out of life is simple.  All I want is to be happy.  I don't need to be rich, though I wouldn't say no to it.  I don't need to live in a huge house, though that would be nice.  I just need to be happy.  And while I'm hoping and praying that the happiness will include a family of my own, I suppose that I need to leave it in God's hands.  Which is probably the hardest thing in the world to do.  Leave your hopes and dreams up to someone else.  But here's the thing: I'm not leaving it up to just anybody.  I'm leaving it up to the one person who actually knows me better than I know myself.  The person who loves be despite of and because of all of my flaws.  The person who knows what's best for me and certainly wants what's best for me.  How in the world could I go wrong by leaving it up to someone like that? 

I am certainly not an expert in all of this.  I rationally know all of the things that I'm saying and it's still so very difficult to follow through.  To leave it up to God.  To accept that some guys may actually not be right for me.  It's hard for someone like me, someone who is insecure and a worrier, to give up someone who likes you, even though they may not like you enough...you cling onto whatever there is, in the hopes that you'll be good enough; pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough...anything that will make him like you enough to actually show it.  It's terrifying thinking about letting go of something that could have potential...but does it really have potential if it has you thinking that way?  If it's a constant whirlwind of confusion and distress, is it something that you really want to continue?  Girls always think that they can change the guys they are with.  They can't.  Maybe I'm one of those girls who thinks they can change a guy...change him into someone who shows their feelings without reservations.  Maybe that's why I always choose the guy who doesn't show me.  Not only can I "change" him, but I can always assume that the feelings he really has are deep...when in reality, if he's not showing them to me, they probably aren't nearly as deep as I'm trying to believe. 

I'm such a loving, caring, and passionate person.  All I want is to find someone to give all of that to.

My thoughts are extremely convoluted, I'm very aware of that...I had hoped that writing/typing them out would bring me some clarity, and while I really feel that it has in some aspects, in others it has left me wanting.  Wanting understanding, wanting love, wanting patience. 

I'm determined that I will find all of this.  And more.

Reflection

I'm not sure what it is that brought me to this site tonight...but looking at it and thinking back makes me really want to post.  It has been over a year since the last post on this blog.  It is still so odd to me thinking back on how I used to come to this page multiple times a day, not so that I could post or anything predictable like that, but to further my relationship with a complete stranger, someone who I felt knew me so well on the inside, and someone whom I actually came to rely upon.  Someone who I never fully came to understand.  It's still crazy to me that I never will.

People come in and out of your life.  I have always heard that saying, and understood that it was true, but I guess I never realized that a lot of the time you aren't really sure where these people went or where they came from and why.  I'm the kind of person who truly believes that everything happens for a reason.  I have my God and I believe that He knows what He's doing up there.  The problem is that He doesn't share this plan with me, and I feel like I'm floundering sometimes.  A lot of the time actually.  Well.  All of the time lately.  And while I understand that this is what growing up means, more problems and less answers, or at least less answers that are completely and 100% correct.  And while I'm thinking about all of my life decisions that I have to make, and ones that I know that I will have to make in the pretty distant future, I think back.  I think back to a time when I had my future set.  When I believed in me and someone else, someone who didn't even really know me completely had faith in my success.  And that still blows my mind to this day.

Sometimes people don't realize the affect that they have upon someone else's life.  Everyone has heard stories about this, one act of kindness has saved a person who was going to commit suicide, and things like that, and the person who performed the act of kindness didn't even know.  Honestly, when a person who has never even met you, but claims to truly understand you, puts all of their faith in you...it's an amazing feeling.  You can literally feel your heart swell up with happiness and confidence, because that's really all that you want, someone to believe in you and tell you that even though your dreams are far-fetched...you're one in a million (or two in a million in our case), you are special.  Special.  That is all that I have ever wanted to be.  So many people try so desperately to fit in and be like everyone else.  All I have ever wanted to be was different.  People these days are the complete opposite of what I want to be.  Materialistic.  Vain.  Attention-seeking.  Narrow minded.  Ignorant.  Above all, pessimistic.  I don't want reality to make a pessimist out of me.  I don't want to be like these people that I see around me who are just completely miserable, even though they have apparently perfect lives.   I want to be different, and having someone who you feel incredibly connected to, tell you that you're like a start shining in the darkness...that is something that I will carry with me forever, even if I'm not so sure that I believe it anymore.  You see, because I think the world is starting to change me.  And it scares me.

How do you make a dream come true?  When it is something completely out there and out of your reach, how do you do it?  Personally...I think you need support.  I believe that that is the biggest stepping stone that you can have, because without it, you're lost.  And I feel lost without that supporter that I used to have.  How can someone who claimed to understand and care so much just walk away with no explanation?  It actually kills me to realize that all the questions that I have will probably never be answered.  There was always the plan to try to find the one that left us but...I have a feeling that you're already gone.  Whether physically or mentally, I just feel as though whatever was there just isn't anymore.  And that the message that you left us with was meant to tell us something, but we never understood.  Racking my brain, it's still too confusing, and the further away it gets the even less sense that it makes.

Essentially, here is what I came here to say: I miss being that girl.  I miss being more naive than I am now (which I'm still pretty naive, but I wish I was even more so).  I miss having faith in humanity.  I miss being able to completely trust a complete stranger with all my dreams and fears because I truly believed that they actually cared.  I miss it.  I miss being a kid.  While everything that I have been through has certainly made me stronger, I am also very delicate because of it all.  I never knew it was possible to feel delicate and strong at the same time.

 I want to be Peter Pan and be a child forever, and a lot of people don't seem to understand why.  Whenever I say something of this sort, I get this look that says, why???  Well, I give the same look to people who say they want to grow up.  I am perfectly content with believing like a child and being happy like a child.  With working with a child's intense concentration.  With being angry one second and completely thrilled the next.  With being completely satisfied with all of the little things in life.  With having that freedom and simplistic understanding of everything.  I'm sorry, but being an adult does not look fun to me.  To me it comes with burdens and unhappiness and restrictions, and that is the complete opposite of what I want out of life.  It is so hard to keep the mind of child when growing up surrounded by people who have this "adult" outlook on life.  I refuse to accept that this is my fate.

I have struggled a lot in recent years.  My head has not been a pleasant place to live, and it still isn't to be completely honest.  That is why I so desire this carefree outlook on life.  I want to get out of my head and into someone else's.  Someone who is confident and happy, and who is not quite so delicate.  I understand that I am the only person who can change the way that I think, but that is so much easier said than done.  Thinking the way that I think is ingrained in me, like a bad habit that I can't break.  I have yet to find a way to break this, and while some think that it's because I'm not trying or that I don't want to change, I beg to differ.  It is not pleasant being miserable.  It is not fun to look into the mirror and see a five hundred pound woman looking back at you when everyone around you is trying to tell you that you're thin.  There's just so much negativity and awful voices saying awful things inside of me, and I don't know how to tell them that they are not welcome here.  They've lived here all my life, and they feel like permanent residents, and that is absolutely not what I want.  I want to be confident.  And happy.  And freed from the restrictions that my mind has placed on me.  I feel defeated 95% of the time.  The rest of the time I realize that this cannot go on forever.  I refuse to accept that this is my fate.  That I will dwell in this negativity forever.  I need to believe that God will get me through this because if I can't believe in that then I have nothing to believe in.  This is not a life that I want to live.

I already know that if I died tomorrow I would have so many things that I would be thankful for.  But I also know that if i died tomorrow that I would have so much unfinished business.  SO many things that I never did, never said, and above all, never changed.  Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Ghandi.  He really knew what he was talking about.  This world that I live in is not a pleasant one.  But if I am like the world around me, then who am I to complain?  I need to be the example of what I want to see around me.  And I do not want to see young girls with eating disorders.  Or young girls with perfectly happy lives who are completely unhappy.  I feel like I have so much to offer the world, I just don't know exactly what it is or how I'm supposed to give it to the world...

I'm a wandering soul.  That is for certain.  However, I do intend to find myself and figure everything out.  While I do feel defeated quite often, I am never actually defeated.  I refuse to be.  I am much stronger than that.  And whether this person from my past realizes it or not, he is one of the first people to actually convince me of that.  While they may be gone from my life, and probably have no idea the affect that they had on it while they were in it, I am carrying everything that they said with me.  Ingraining it into my person because they were one of the first people to make me believe that I was worth it.  Worth everything.  And that I could do or be anything that I wanted to be because I was special.  In the most amazing way.

So no matter what happened in the past, or what happens in the future, I need to thank this person from my past.  Out here where it all started.  Thank you so much for believing.  For inspiring.  For caring.  Even if just for that small amount of time.  It changed me.  It changed us.  And while we are quite uncertain as to where our futures will take us, we are certain that we are special.  Stars shining in the darkness.  Thank you.

Reflection is good for your soul.  Who knew.
<3 p="">Renee