Wednesday, March 27, 2013


I'm not sure what it is that brought me to this site tonight...but looking at it and thinking back makes me really want to post.  It has been over a year since the last post on this blog.  It is still so odd to me thinking back on how I used to come to this page multiple times a day, not so that I could post or anything predictable like that, but to further my relationship with a complete stranger, someone who I felt knew me so well on the inside, and someone whom I actually came to rely upon.  Someone who I never fully came to understand.  It's still crazy to me that I never will.

People come in and out of your life.  I have always heard that saying, and understood that it was true, but I guess I never realized that a lot of the time you aren't really sure where these people went or where they came from and why.  I'm the kind of person who truly believes that everything happens for a reason.  I have my God and I believe that He knows what He's doing up there.  The problem is that He doesn't share this plan with me, and I feel like I'm floundering sometimes.  A lot of the time actually.  Well.  All of the time lately.  And while I understand that this is what growing up means, more problems and less answers, or at least less answers that are completely and 100% correct.  And while I'm thinking about all of my life decisions that I have to make, and ones that I know that I will have to make in the pretty distant future, I think back.  I think back to a time when I had my future set.  When I believed in me and someone else, someone who didn't even really know me completely had faith in my success.  And that still blows my mind to this day.

Sometimes people don't realize the affect that they have upon someone else's life.  Everyone has heard stories about this, one act of kindness has saved a person who was going to commit suicide, and things like that, and the person who performed the act of kindness didn't even know.  Honestly, when a person who has never even met you, but claims to truly understand you, puts all of their faith in's an amazing feeling.  You can literally feel your heart swell up with happiness and confidence, because that's really all that you want, someone to believe in you and tell you that even though your dreams are're one in a million (or two in a million in our case), you are special.  Special.  That is all that I have ever wanted to be.  So many people try so desperately to fit in and be like everyone else.  All I have ever wanted to be was different.  People these days are the complete opposite of what I want to be.  Materialistic.  Vain.  Attention-seeking.  Narrow minded.  Ignorant.  Above all, pessimistic.  I don't want reality to make a pessimist out of me.  I don't want to be like these people that I see around me who are just completely miserable, even though they have apparently perfect lives.   I want to be different, and having someone who you feel incredibly connected to, tell you that you're like a start shining in the darkness...that is something that I will carry with me forever, even if I'm not so sure that I believe it anymore.  You see, because I think the world is starting to change me.  And it scares me.

How do you make a dream come true?  When it is something completely out there and out of your reach, how do you do it?  Personally...I think you need support.  I believe that that is the biggest stepping stone that you can have, because without it, you're lost.  And I feel lost without that supporter that I used to have.  How can someone who claimed to understand and care so much just walk away with no explanation?  It actually kills me to realize that all the questions that I have will probably never be answered.  There was always the plan to try to find the one that left us but...I have a feeling that you're already gone.  Whether physically or mentally, I just feel as though whatever was there just isn't anymore.  And that the message that you left us with was meant to tell us something, but we never understood.  Racking my brain, it's still too confusing, and the further away it gets the even less sense that it makes.

Essentially, here is what I came here to say: I miss being that girl.  I miss being more naive than I am now (which I'm still pretty naive, but I wish I was even more so).  I miss having faith in humanity.  I miss being able to completely trust a complete stranger with all my dreams and fears because I truly believed that they actually cared.  I miss it.  I miss being a kid.  While everything that I have been through has certainly made me stronger, I am also very delicate because of it all.  I never knew it was possible to feel delicate and strong at the same time.

 I want to be Peter Pan and be a child forever, and a lot of people don't seem to understand why.  Whenever I say something of this sort, I get this look that says, why???  Well, I give the same look to people who say they want to grow up.  I am perfectly content with believing like a child and being happy like a child.  With working with a child's intense concentration.  With being angry one second and completely thrilled the next.  With being completely satisfied with all of the little things in life.  With having that freedom and simplistic understanding of everything.  I'm sorry, but being an adult does not look fun to me.  To me it comes with burdens and unhappiness and restrictions, and that is the complete opposite of what I want out of life.  It is so hard to keep the mind of child when growing up surrounded by people who have this "adult" outlook on life.  I refuse to accept that this is my fate.

I have struggled a lot in recent years.  My head has not been a pleasant place to live, and it still isn't to be completely honest.  That is why I so desire this carefree outlook on life.  I want to get out of my head and into someone else's.  Someone who is confident and happy, and who is not quite so delicate.  I understand that I am the only person who can change the way that I think, but that is so much easier said than done.  Thinking the way that I think is ingrained in me, like a bad habit that I can't break.  I have yet to find a way to break this, and while some think that it's because I'm not trying or that I don't want to change, I beg to differ.  It is not pleasant being miserable.  It is not fun to look into the mirror and see a five hundred pound woman looking back at you when everyone around you is trying to tell you that you're thin.  There's just so much negativity and awful voices saying awful things inside of me, and I don't know how to tell them that they are not welcome here.  They've lived here all my life, and they feel like permanent residents, and that is absolutely not what I want.  I want to be confident.  And happy.  And freed from the restrictions that my mind has placed on me.  I feel defeated 95% of the time.  The rest of the time I realize that this cannot go on forever.  I refuse to accept that this is my fate.  That I will dwell in this negativity forever.  I need to believe that God will get me through this because if I can't believe in that then I have nothing to believe in.  This is not a life that I want to live.

I already know that if I died tomorrow I would have so many things that I would be thankful for.  But I also know that if i died tomorrow that I would have so much unfinished business.  SO many things that I never did, never said, and above all, never changed.  Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Ghandi.  He really knew what he was talking about.  This world that I live in is not a pleasant one.  But if I am like the world around me, then who am I to complain?  I need to be the example of what I want to see around me.  And I do not want to see young girls with eating disorders.  Or young girls with perfectly happy lives who are completely unhappy.  I feel like I have so much to offer the world, I just don't know exactly what it is or how I'm supposed to give it to the world...

I'm a wandering soul.  That is for certain.  However, I do intend to find myself and figure everything out.  While I do feel defeated quite often, I am never actually defeated.  I refuse to be.  I am much stronger than that.  And whether this person from my past realizes it or not, he is one of the first people to actually convince me of that.  While they may be gone from my life, and probably have no idea the affect that they had on it while they were in it, I am carrying everything that they said with me.  Ingraining it into my person because they were one of the first people to make me believe that I was worth it.  Worth everything.  And that I could do or be anything that I wanted to be because I was special.  In the most amazing way.

So no matter what happened in the past, or what happens in the future, I need to thank this person from my past.  Out here where it all started.  Thank you so much for believing.  For inspiring.  For caring.  Even if just for that small amount of time.  It changed me.  It changed us.  And while we are quite uncertain as to where our futures will take us, we are certain that we are special.  Stars shining in the darkness.  Thank you.

Reflection is good for your soul.  Who knew.
<3 p="">Renee


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