Friday, June 21, 2013

Searching for clarity

I'm not someone who needs a guy to make me happy.  

Throughout the last few years I have learned a lot about what it means to be happy, and how to make myself happy, and interestingly enough, I have had my most happy moments when I was not in a relationship. Struggling with depression has been a huge part of my life, which means that finding happiness is essentially my life's goal.  I don't want to be happy due to medication, I want to be able to look at this wonderful world around me and be happy because of it.  I have a wonderful life, but for some reason, my brain sometimes won't let me acknowledge that.  Thinking about all of the things that I assume will make me happy, and I realized that a relationship is pretty high on that list.  Which seems odd because, as I said before, I have actually been happier when I've been single.  This revelation has made me feel like I need to delve further into my brain to try and understand why all of this is, and what it all means.

I'm someone who has always been a romantic.  Ever since I was a little girl, I loved romance; romantic movies, love songs, romantic books, you name it, I probably loved it.  I can even remember having little crushes on boys when I was pretty young too.  While a lot of girls thought that boys I had cooties, I was already picturing myself falling in love with one of them.  While other kids knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, I never exactly could pinpoint it, but I knew that I was going to have a husband and be a mother.  Literally the only things that I am still set on in life. So coming to the conclusion that I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy is a bigger step for me than most would think.  Even now, with the "real world" rapidly approaching, I am still uncertain of what I want to do with my life, but am certain that I want that family.  I suppose that most people are certain that they want that, but for me...I feel like that's my purpose in life.  So in my mind the job almost seems to be not as important, because I know that nothing will be as fulfilling for me as that family atmosphere.  Once anyone gets to know me, they will soon discover that I feel like I'm meant to do a number of things, but I honestly cannot describe this feeling that I get, so in my head it truly means that it's something I'm meant to do.

I'm a worrier.  I'm a nervous nellie, I'm anxious, and I find myself to be extremely awkward.  I do not think that people would describe me as an awkward person because I'm pretty good at playing it off, but the awkwardness I feel is pretty intense.  Due to all of this, being in a relationship is a pretty crazy thing for me.  Add on top of all of this that I'm pretty insecure and you come up with a crazy girlfriend that is paranoid and needs constant reassurance of the other's feelings.  (The thing is though...I don't think that the girlfriend, or either one involved in the relationship for that matter, should be asking for the reassurance.  I think that both people should be always showing the other that they care, and never letting them doubt their feelings for one second.  The reason that I'm going on this semi-tangent is because I think I go for guys who aren't comfortable with showing their feelings.  Or they just don't think it's necessary or something.  Which does not work well with my personality.  I need a guy that will be there.  That will tell me how much he cares and all of that nonsense that goes along with being in a relationship.)  So basically what I'm saying is, that relationships are extremely stressful for me, especially because I tend to pick guys that aren't open so I am constantly guessing as to what they are thinking and feeling.  All of this stress usually leads to unhappiness, because I definitely don't feel that happy when I'm stressed, and I'm not really sure if there is anyone out there who does.

I'm beginning to understand what I want out of a relationship.  More importantly I'm beginning to understand what I need out of a relationship.  I'm learning from the past, I'm learning from my current situation, but above all I'm learning from some internal reflection.  Internal reflection is usually not a pleasant occurrence.  You can't hide from yourself.  You need to look at all of the good, but you also need to see the bad.  You need to be brutally honest.  It hurts really bad sometimes.  Sometimes you have to cry.  But almost always you come out the other side with such a different perspective on absolutely everything that it makes all of that worth it.  Every time you become a little bit stronger.   The more that you know and understand yourself, the happier you will be.  You'll be happier because you'll know what makes you happy.  You'll know what has hurt you and made you crumble and you will grow from it.  You will learn to protect yourself and you will learn to move forward.  The most important thing is you will learn.  You can never stop learning about yourself.  So many things are constantly changing, and knowing yourself is beyond important in this chaotic world.  Hopefully by knowing myself I will be able to find that someone that I have spent my whole life looking for.  That person is so much different now than who I thought it would be when I was younger.  That's good.  I want that love story, but right now, at this young age, I know that I do not need a man to make me happy.  Even when I do find that someone, I don't want to simply disappear into their personality.  Which is why this time in my life is so crucial.  This is why I'm reflecting.  I do not want to be that woman who cannot stand tall without her man by her side.  I want to find my soul mate, the person I'm meant to be with, not someone who will overpower me, but someone who will compliment me, not make me crazy with stress and paranoia.

I'm happiest when I'm with my family, when I'm with the people who I know love me unconditionally.  I'm happiest when it's sunny and warm, when I can feel the sun on my skin.  I'm happiest when I know that God loves me no matter what, when I remember that He created me to be the way that I am, and that He makes no mistakes.  The simplest things make me happy.  What I want out of life is simple.  All I want is to be happy.  I don't need to be rich, though I wouldn't say no to it.  I don't need to live in a huge house, though that would be nice.  I just need to be happy.  And while I'm hoping and praying that the happiness will include a family of my own, I suppose that I need to leave it in God's hands.  Which is probably the hardest thing in the world to do.  Leave your hopes and dreams up to someone else.  But here's the thing: I'm not leaving it up to just anybody.  I'm leaving it up to the one person who actually knows me better than I know myself.  The person who loves be despite of and because of all of my flaws.  The person who knows what's best for me and certainly wants what's best for me.  How in the world could I go wrong by leaving it up to someone like that? 

I am certainly not an expert in all of this.  I rationally know all of the things that I'm saying and it's still so very difficult to follow through.  To leave it up to God.  To accept that some guys may actually not be right for me.  It's hard for someone like me, someone who is insecure and a worrier, to give up someone who likes you, even though they may not like you cling onto whatever there is, in the hopes that you'll be good enough; pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough...anything that will make him like you enough to actually show it.  It's terrifying thinking about letting go of something that could have potential...but does it really have potential if it has you thinking that way?  If it's a constant whirlwind of confusion and distress, is it something that you really want to continue?  Girls always think that they can change the guys they are with.  They can't.  Maybe I'm one of those girls who thinks they can change a guy...change him into someone who shows their feelings without reservations.  Maybe that's why I always choose the guy who doesn't show me.  Not only can I "change" him, but I can always assume that the feelings he really has are deep...when in reality, if he's not showing them to me, they probably aren't nearly as deep as I'm trying to believe. 

I'm such a loving, caring, and passionate person.  All I want is to find someone to give all of that to.

My thoughts are extremely convoluted, I'm very aware of that...I had hoped that writing/typing them out would bring me some clarity, and while I really feel that it has in some aspects, in others it has left me wanting.  Wanting understanding, wanting love, wanting patience. 

I'm determined that I will find all of this.  And more.

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